Don Kern Rules


  1. Everything I do is fun. Sometimes I don't realize it until a couple weeks later.
  2. Never use your teeth as tools.
  3. Never leave a parking lot before the other guy has his car started and moving.
  4. When grooming fingernails, do it in the following order.  Index, Middle, Pinky, Ring, Thumb.  Why?  You should file things in alphabetical order.
  5. Always pin your socks together before putting them in the laundry
  6. Everything has to be somewhere.
  7. "Things are only impossible until they're NOT!"    Captain Jean Luc Picard, of the Starship Enterprise.
  8. Let the masculine pronouns be sufficient.  "He/she" isn't a word.
  9. Don't rehearse the wrong stuff.
  10. Be prepared to justify your positions.
  11. Act Responsibly.
  12. Save your files and do your backups!
  13. Go ahead and pass someone before you get to the off ramp.  If you don't, he'll probably get off on your ramp, and he'll still be in front of you slowing you down.
  14. Keep your eye on the ball and relax.  Move to center of the court.
  15. Cut through the baloney--be concise/positive/analytical.
  16. Always wear symmetrical tie tacks.  (Gerid Schwartz--22 Oct 93)  Corollary--always wear a tie tack if you work around a shredder.  (Also inspired by Gerid Schwartz.)
  17. The Neo-Tech Constitution--
    1  No use of initiatory force or fraud will be used against any person or that person's property.
    2  The only legitimate use of force is in defense against those violating article 1.
  18. Your religion is your own business.  (Ditto: political party, sexual preference, tie color)
  19. What I think of your tie/haircut/face/etc. doesn't matter.  What you think of it does.
  20. Sometimes you have to work overtime.  Enjoy it.
  21. Never leave a moment of decision without acting on it.  A decision w/o an action is not a decision.
  22. There is always another---job, train, woman, parking space, etc.  My cousin Gordie told me on my 30th birthday.  "Granddad Cramer always said, 'Women are like trains.  There'll always be another one along in a few minutes.'"
  23. Learn how to make microwave popcorn.
  24. Spell check your documents.  Then have someone else read them.
  25. A card and a decent bottle of champagne usually make an appropriate gift.  (And you can buy it at 7-11)
  26. Never say anything bad about your spouse to anyone.  (Never say anything bad about anybody to anyone.)
  27. Never buy a Master combination lock with a black dial on it.  (After trying to find mine in the health clubís Lost and Found among 100 others, 95 of them black Master locks)
  28. Don't answer the phone with a caramel in your mouth.
  29. Don't eat BBQ ribs while wearing a white shirt or blouse.
  30. If you don't run the race, you don't get to wear the T-shirt.
  31. Don't keep a hammer in your computer tool kit.
  32. Never take a big bite of salsa before you know how hot it is.
  33. Don't go on vacation and leave a half-cup of coffee on your desk.
  34. Set your coffee cup down before you sneeze. 
  35. Don't be disrespectful to other people's Gods.
  36. Never say anyone's name during sex.
  37. Donít go into debt for something that doesnít appreciate in value
  38. Do what you love doing.  Find some other way to make the money you need to live on.
  39. Make 50 cents at a time and you can get wealthy
  40. If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
  41. If you do what someone else does, youíll have what they have.
  42. Interpret whatever is said in the best possible way.  You can always get it clarified later.  At least that way, if there's a misunderstanding, it's in a positive direction.
  43. When guessing a woman's age, always guess at the low end of the range.
  44. Own enough socks and underwear so that they are not the cause for doing the laundry.
  45. Donít get greedy
  46. Know your exit before going in.
  47. Donít eat a gooey donut with your mouse hand.
  48. Donít forget to take off your clothes before taking a shower.
  49. Donít be afraid to look stupid.
  50. The easiest way to find something is to go buy another one.  The one you were looking for will turn up just a few minutes later.
  51. Live each moment as if it will last forever, because it will.
  52. Never say anything about yourself that you don't want to be true.
  53. You have lots of blessings.  Be sure to give something back.
  54. Itís all part of the adventure.
  55. Be excellent to each other, and, Party on, dudes!  (Bill & Ted)